A Story of Finding Freedom from Anger and Disappointment

warrior women series Oct 19, 2023
woman with sword

God's Warrior Woman ~ Hadassah's Story

Are you angry at God?

This question may surprise you. Perhaps, as a good Christian, you think this question is scandalous because we should never feel angry or disappointed with God.

But what if I tell you that this is not true, and it is even possible not just to feel angry from time to time but to harbor deeply seated anger and disappointment? We may not even be aware of this, having this monster in a dark room in our hearts.

For years in which I struggled with my unfulfilled desire to become a mother, I was not aware I was hiding this monster. But God is faithful, and He brings the monsters into the light at the proper time, so He can free us of everything that hinders our fellowship with Him.

For me, this moment came nearly at the pick of my struggle with infertility, marital problems, and anxiety disorder. This was such an intensive time in my life during which I was clinging closer to the Lord through prayer and periods of fasting. I wanted so much to experience a miracle in my life and see God's power and glory in giving me a child, although all the odds were against it. Instead, He led me to a greater measure of freedom in Christ and spiritual maturity.

 My heart was His highest concern. Our relationship and bonding were His priority.

 My heart was His highest concern. Our relationship and bonding were His priority.

In a conversation with a friend, I learned about the book "Uprooting Anger" by Robert D. Jones. Like a scalpel, the truths and insights in the book cut deeper into my soul, exposing and removing foundational parts of my self-centeredness. It took me more than a month to work my way through the book, step by step. Meanwhile, I shared a lot with my husband and prayed for him, too.

At first, I needed to acknowledge that I was angry at God for not giving me what I wanted (a child) and not meeting my expectations. I realized I felt offended by what He didn't do. Nothing had developed according to my desires and expectations in the ways I thought it would. On top of this, it was too late; the window of opportunity for me to have biological children had closed.

I prayed for so many years for a child and followed the Lord, paying attention to His words. I was obedient and faithful; however, it seemed He ignored my desires and prayers. I experienced obstacle after obstacle, problem after problem, piling up and blocking my way. It felt unfair because others who didn't devote themselves to Him still had their desires fulfilled, like having children.

The bitter mixture of offense, pain, and disappointment with my circumstances surfaced in my relationship with God. Like a yellow-greenish poisonous fog that lay hidden in the fractures of my heart, it manifested and came up, visible and palpable.

 The definition in the book helped me to recognize this complex emotion. According to the author, when we are angry with God, we accuse Him of not doing what we want according to our desires and expectations, way and time. We want what we want when we want it, and when God does not deliver, we judge Him.

Gradually, by reading further in the book, reflecting on my life, reading the Bible, praying, and talking with my husband and a few friends, the fog lifted.

The narrow path was always the same, marked by humility and surrender.

 It was a painful process of bending my will in His direction, and declaring that it was not about me, not about my things, not in my way, and not in my time, not my will, but God's!

 I embraced again God's sovereign intentions and purposes in my life. He was transforming my character and making me more Christlike, teaching me obedience, preparing me for what was coming, and for serving Him.

I embraced again God's sovereign intentions and purposes in my life. He was transforming my character and making me more Christlike, teaching me obedience, preparing me for what was coming, and for serving Him.

However, surrendering to God again with my whole heart did not reduce the pain from the disappointment that my life was not supposed to go this way.

God's answer on how to handle my pain was and still is through a holy complaint, which the Bible calls a lament. This special prayer allows us to vent and express our raw, painful feelings to God, but still keeping our posture of faith and trust in Him and His mercy.

This is a way of being real and transparent with God, a special invitation to come closer, to open our hearts and pour out everything as we would do it in the presence of our closest person or best friend. Amazingly, God is all this for us and also the best psychotherapist and the best comforter in the world!

 Lament is a key discipline in the believer's life, and I needed to get used to that. I didn't lament enough or for the right things. Now it was time to cry out,

"Why, Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?" Psalm 10:1 NIV

"All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you." Psalm 38:9 NIV

The Lord heard me; the Lord freed me; the Lord healed me and soothed my soul.

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Hadassah Treu is an international Christian author, blogger and poet, the Encouraging Blogger Award Winner for 2020. She loves to encourage and motivate people to stand firm in the faith, and to grow spiritually by applying biblical truths in their lives. Hadassah loves diving deeper into the Word of God and finding hidden treasures. She lives in Bulgaria, Europe.

Hadassah is a regular contributor to the faith-based platforms Devotable, Koinonia, and Blessed Transgressions, COMPEL Proverbs 31 Ministries Blog writer and Freelancing Community Group leader, and Blogger Voices Network contributor. She has been featured on (In)courage, Proverbs 31 Ministries, Her View From Home, Living by Design Ministries, Thoughts About God, Aletheia Today, Today’s Christian Living, and other popular sites. Hadassah is also a contributing author to several award-winning devotional and poetry anthologies.

Hadassah is no stranger to suffering and losses. From the platform of her greatest pains equipped with lessons gathered on the way, she delivers a powerful message of comfort and hope, found in God’s Word. Connect with Hadassah on her blog onthewaybg.com.

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